2000 - 2001
carolyn: what does USSR stand for?
cat: ...united...racial...rats.....SPECIAL!
carolyn: [laughing] special doesn’t even start with an R!
lauren: [reading her ICQ message history] so I said ‘we have to see ge...’ wait a minute... ‘we have to see get together’ ...damn it!!!
zeesy: [humans] already control everything! ...except sharks...
anne: I’m senile! ...if I were senile, would I know I was senile?
carolyn: maybe...
anne: aw, then I could be senile after all...
david: ya know, people with peanut allergies are really missing out on peanut butter!
data: excuse me captain...
picard: what is it data?
data: .....what is death?
picard: oh, is that all?
mr. mcconkey: ‘I have a gun’ answers so many questions...like, ‘can I go to the washroom?’ ‘I have a gun.’
maria: want a cracker?
brandon: no thanks, I’m driving
rob: I want different flavours and tastes. flavours and tastes??
mel: [written at the top of an assignment] mr. mcconkey: please excuse crinkly paper as lucas crumpled in fit of anger.
carter: if you wanna get her back, you’ve gotta do something crazy!
mike: crazy like 1000 roses crazy or crazy like bursting into her apartment dressed as a
clown dragging my trousers behind me on a leash?
wife: who is it?
husband: [not wanting to tell who is actually at the door] it’s...my mom, honey!
wife: but your mother’s dead!
husband: ...yeah, I know, it’s really weird!
guy on the buzz: I’m very picky when it comes to ladies. I prefer ladies with...legs...and heads. I like heads on women. I’m very eligible. I got a lot of women...that I need...
joey: you will be judged on a scale of one to ten, one being the highest.
ross: ...ten is the highest.
joey: why?
ross: because it’s the highest!
random things heard at a school show rehearsal:
-evan’s in a dress, that’s what matters!
-I just need to know how to walk!
-breastfeeding?
mr. low: look at the precision!
taia: it is quite precisionous...
arthur: mike! nice to see you!
mike: arthur! always a.....something.
evan: [to joel fink] fink? what kinda name is fink??? I’ll give you something to fink about...
mr. abramoff: you’re an average 90s student?? when ice cream cries you’re an average 90s student...
carter: I’m not old!
stewart: right, I forgot you people are sensitive about that...
carter: what people would that be stewart? gay people? black people?
stewart: no, old people.
girl: max, you told me you used to be a tennis player...
norm: sir! I had no idea you were a huge liar!!
mrs. wright: how do I know you won’t end up in a ditch somewhere!?
danny: mu-u-um! I won’t be in a ditch!
anne: okay, if anything happens, call this number and whoever answers...killed us!
professor x: this is cerebro.
wolverine: this certainly is a big round room...
hockey announcer: ...I thought that was someone’s equipment there on the ice but it’s a piece of signage from the boards...and there’s a penalty coming here...possibly for ruining the signage...
mr. mcconkey: who in their right mind would put this group together without supervision?
lucas: I like fire!
mel: [completely serious] that is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard.
andrea: who do you think was the inventor, the guy who slipped on the ice or the guy who invented skates?
mr. mcconkey: ...the guy who invented skates...
andrea: really?
mr. mcconkey: are we talking about the inventor of skates or the inventor of slapstick comedy?
eric: [complaining about his hangover] my head hurts!
red: that’s your brain trying to comprehend it’s own stupidity!
zeesy: she’s very jewish and blonde.
[at the same time]
david: she’s jewish??
elaisha: she’s not blonde!
richard fish: [to the guy who bought him at a date auction] look, you seem like a swell guy but I’m homophobic. I can show you a note from the doctor...
kelso: you know what the best thing god ever did was? ...BOOBS!!!
news anchor woman: next up, what’s the connection between smoking and skin cancer...and fabulous tenderloin!
mr. siegel: have any of you been to the rhubarb festival? ...it’s not about rhubarb...
carolyn: [reaches into hr pocket...feels around...] ooh...what’s this...? [pulls something out] mmm...vitamin c! [puts it in her mouth]
anne: ...that is the grossest thing I’ve ever seen.
ken: what food should we sell [at my play]?
garber: fried rice with pork in it.
ken: you just want my mom’s fried rice!
garber: and pork.
anne: [about to bend over to tie her shoe] here comes my ass!!!
jesse: [after spending an hour editing an essay for a classmate who doesn’t speak english very well] my editing now includes such comments as ‘what the hell are you trying to say here?’ and ‘this doesn’t make any fucking sense!’
sylvia browne: [on letting your mind go completely blank during meditation] if you’re like me, being told to let your mind go completely blank is a sure way to let your mind fill right up with everything from whether or not you need to stop for gas on the way home to whether or not you’re the only person in the room who’s a failure at letting their mind go completely blank.
sylvia browne: [on where babies come from] no, don’t brace yourself for a tedious biology lesson. I assume you already know how babies’ physical bodies are created. if you don’t, ask around. you won’t believe it.
lauren: [talking about how her 5’7” sister takes after her dad] my dad is 6’ tall...and my bag smells like a hot dog.
mr. mcconkey: do you consider yourself a winner or are you a loser who’s always looking for things on his back?
lauren: [laughing because there are chocolate ‘cows’ in our ice cream] if someone says to us ‘what did you have for dessert last night girls?’ we can be like ‘cows!!!’
carolyn: .....who would ask us that.....?
carolyn: [at lunch] ...do you smell that...? does anybody smell that? ...I smell weed! ...maybe it’s something else and I just think it’s weed...
evan: is it my weed sandwich?
anne: I had a really weird dream last night.
krista: I had a mission: impossible dream last night!
lauren and carolyn: was tom cruise in it???
carolyn: it’s so cold!!!
lisa: ...where’s the rest of your pants??
carolyn [about a friend] do you know why he’s not going to school this semester?
maria: ...maybe he committed a criminal offence.