2001 - 2002
eric: gimme back the remote!
lorie: gimme a reason why I shouldn’t SET you on FIRE!
kent brockman: people from old springfield tend to use low-brow phrases like ‘oh yeah’ and ‘come ‘ere a minute’
homer: oh yeah? bart! com ‘ere a minute!
bart: you come ‘ere a minute!
homer: ...oh yeah...?
[lisa and carolyn have been singing instead of talking all day]
alice: I can’t ask you enough times to stop doing that!
angelica [a playboy playmate]: I’m a good girl! I go to bed early!
howard stern: me too!
angelica: I go to church every sunday!
howard: me too! what church do you go to?
angelica: I go to the united church.
howard: oh, I go to satan church.
martin crane: the most dangerous part of a gecko...is his MIND!
millionaire question: in a theatre, aisles are passages between what?
a) screens
b) seats
c) lines
d) unsettling stickiness
lisa: [on why she dropped calc] well, at first I was like ‘maybe I got, like, 70% on the test but then I realised I didn’t even answer 70% of the questions!
‘suggestions for writing and discussion’ question: explain fully, using specific examples, the real reasons for amusement at a zoo (or, for some people, a barnyard).
anne: let’s be classy...can we have glasses and can I go take a shit?
charlie: I used to have a little gambling problem...
caitlin: ...define ‘little’
charlie: well...I’d get carried away and then so would most of my furniture...
fan at leafs skills competition: stop SUCKING!!!
ms. yermus: pope jean paul the second is recognised all over the world as a religious leader...
evan: where does he get money?? like...how does he live...?
danny: ...horse-racing.
kelso: OH MY GOD! I JUST SAW A UFO!!!
hyde: OH MY GOD what a COINCIDENCE! I was just telling FEZ how DUMB you are!!!
[on the sopranos, the guys are playing poker. guy 1 drops a piece of cheese on the floor. tony tells guy 2 to clean it up]
guy 1: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING???
guy 2: sweeping...
guy 1: WHY?? I LOVE CHEESE AT MY FEET!!!!!
[carolyn sees that ms. porter’s english muffin sandwich thing has an “S” on the wrapper]
carolyn: S...for sausage?
ms. porter: no, it’s ham! ...S for ham!
carolyn: mine has a B...for bacon...
ms. porter: S for what it probably tastes like...S for...small chance of getting botchelism...B for BIG CHANCE!
kevin: that guys so wise cuz he’s been around, like, forever.
drew: yeah, he’s three days older than kerosene.
kevin or drew:
-elephants probably smell like elephants.
-it’s so hot in here, it’s like INDIA [they’re in india]
kim: imagine you were a sheep! ...in the downtown core...and you couldn’t go to work!! ...and you couldn’t go into any stores or restaurants...cuz they’d kick you out!!!
[I don’t remember where this is from...I wrote it in my al geo book]: look, a hologram of a bird! I bet if you showed this to a caveman he’d have a HEART ATTACK!
[the boys are thinking about how hot midge is]
kitty: what are you boys thinking about so hard??
hyde: NOTHING!
eric: WORK!
kelso: JESUS!
fez: KITTENS!
howard stern: have you watched the new star trek?
william shatner: no, I haven’t had time...
howard: what, you’re so busy? what are you doing??
shatner: ...walking...up and down the street...?
ms. yermus: ‘kiddie porn’ sounds like something you could get at toys ‘r’ us!
cat: eww...you’re getting HUMMUS on your NOW [magazine]!
from ‘through the looking glass’: ...and once [alice] had frightened her old nurse by shouting suddenly in her ear, “nurse! do let’s pretend that I’m a hungry hyena and you’re a bone!”
announcer: [about canada’s women’s hockey team’s 11-0 win over sweden] ...and this has turned into a senseless slaughter!
[talking about some secret]
carolyn: you know something gabi!
gabi: no, I don’t, I swear!
carolyn: you have ‘I know something’ eyes!
gabi: no! I just have to go to the bathroom!
[eric keeps bringing up a fight they had]
hyde: are you still on this?? jeez, it’s like being MARRIED!
eric: I’d only marry someone who was NICE to his friends! ...her friends, shut up!
ms. grant: ...now that I’m not wearing pants, it’s gonna be difficult.
ms. kim: ...like, does your mom ever say ‘oh, my silver tarnished! that’s excellent!’
[one of rob’s practice multiple choice questions]:
1. the limit as X--> infinity is equal to what?
a) a vertical asymptote
b) a horizontal asymptote
c) an oblique asymptote
d) a box of almonds
ms. yermus: paul mccartney’s better looking than almost anybody!
jenny: [at last show of romeo and juliet] ...so no pranks tonight, understand?
carolyn: I sure do...I sure do love pranks...
carolyn: ...but the sponges will still be wet.
lauren h.: we’ll have to make sure we’ve squozen them out...
donna: once when we were little, she bit me! so I bi her back! ...then she called a true so I said okay...AND THEN SHE BIT ME AGAIN!!!
danny: ...it would be scary to die while you were driving! ...well, not so much for you but for the other people in the car...
my dad: when shows are on friday night that I like it’s...a very POSITIVE experience.
woman to the gym: [making fun of another woman] ...you’ll be an old woman living with four cats...and then the cats will run away...and you’ll be all alone...eating cat food...
ms. grant: ...he was very influential in my career...I hope he’s still alive!
wolverine: that was nothin’, I get body-slammed by giant aircraft every alternate tuesday...
stan: okay, what do we know about corporations?
cartman: ...I think my mom’ a corporation...
stan: ...yeah...that makes sense...
evan: lisa, are you allowed in your mom’s room?
lisa: .....yeeesss.....
evan: okay, can you wake me up tomorrow morning?
k.c.: what colour is an african american?
beetlejuice: ...um...irish people.
k.c.: how many feet does a clam have?
beetlejuice: .....two.
howard: yup, a clam has two feet.
robin: he’s runnin all over town!
howard stern: [talking about how good it would be if we could clone specific body parts] ...like how they grow ears on mouse’s backs...mice’s backs...mice...meese...whatever!
lisa: [watching lord of the rings when the two wizards are fighting with their magic staffs, throwing each other across the room, etc.] I can do that! I’ll show you later.
carolyn: [talking about what she would like to say to ms. grant when she yells at her for chewing gum in class since she also yells at her if she eats in class] I wanna be like ‘it’s gum....so that I don’t eat food.....cuz I’m having gum.....’
cat: [looking through danny’s medicine cabinet] ...what’s this...? ...ANALgesic cream??? [drops the tube in horror]
danny: ...analgesic, cat...it’s not anal cream...
ms. grant: [trying to get us to figure out what misogynist means] that f-ing a-blank-blank-hole is such a racist misogynist. if I ever see him again, I’ll tell you what I’ll do to that...person.
krista: this robe smells like incense...
danny: oh, for a second I thought you said INSECTS!
krista: what??
danny: insects!
krista: OH, I thought you said INCEST!
[danny says ‘watch’ instead of ‘walk’]
carolyn: ...whoa...isn’t it always RIGHT THERE that we say stuff wrong...??
cat: I say stuff wrong all the time! I don’t have to BE somewhere!!
[evan and cat are talking about STIT and SHITTING]
lisa: ...did somebody say my name??
jake: [talking about something that might not work out well] so POSSIBLY shit-poo-cracker-nipple.
faraz: ...one time I fell asleep on the bus...and ended up at the zoo.....so I went in.
in ‘children’s’ book of cards and posters’: sympathy cards are always appreciated. sometimes people you know die.
anne: mark tageshio!?! YOU’RE NOT MY MOTHER!!!
*note: when I ran spell check on this, instead of tageshio it suggested that I use the word DOGESHIP
ms. yermus: I have a book called ‘words are important’...
ms. yermus: you’re gonna have sex...so...I mean...sometimes you have a baby...
jessica: you know who you should go to prom with but he’s your brother...? your brother.
danny: it’s funny how when the waiter gives you the bill he always turns it upside down as if you ordered something really embarrassing...like you ordered a WHORE or something...
[jake has made a s’more]
carolyn: where did you get the supplies?
jake: I brought the marshmallow...and the graham crackers...an then fudge cookie...
carolyn: so...you brought the supplies..
jake: .....yeah
ms. grant: in 20 years you’ll look at a can of aylmer tomatoes and say... ‘ms. grant...I wonder if she’s still alive...’
ms. kim: [talking about candy stampers] there’s one that I thought was a monkey but everyone says it’s a snail.....and I think it IS a snail!
danny: [eating ‘strawberry floffys’] these are the floffiest candies I’ve ever had...
double j: well, they’re gonna change the name of the don valley parkway to the suck valley suckway.
matthew lillard: [on people eating pig uterus on ‘fear factor’] that’s not FOOD! that’s a UTERUS!
greg: I realised I can’t control how fast or slow I drink things! ...you’re not supposed to chug cappuccino...